The Fallacy of the Flood (Noah’s Ark)

 

The Fallacy of the Flood (Noah’s Ark)   

God so despised (so much for ‘good’) the offspring of the first nine generations of his creation that he decided to not only kill them all but to kill every other living thing upon the face of the earth! No exception was made for children, pregnant women or even babies (not to mention kittens, puppies and flowers). Only Noah, his three sons and their four wives were spared. How convenient that Noah and his sons had such perfect taste in women.

 

 

Noah was commissioned to construct a ship of such size that no one at the time had ever even conceived of such a vessel (500ft long, 85ft wide, 60ft & 3 stories high or less than half the size of the Titanic or about a ¼ the size of the Queen Mary II).  In fact, the lumber (gopher wood) required to build it would have been extremely expensive and, frankly, nearly impossible to acquire even if they had chopped down every gopher-wood tree in the area (it’s a wasteland, people!). And the tools needed to create such a vessel didn’t even exist. The tools would have had to have been created from scratch. On top of this, Noah had to do this with little to no knowledge of shipbuilding (and let’s face it, only an expert ship builder could hope to construct a vessel never before imagined and hope to make it sea worthy). Oh yeah, and while he was constructing the ship he also was commanded to gather SEVEN of every ‘clean’ beast & two of every ‘unclean’ beast & SEVEN of every fowl of both sexes (14 each), and a male & female of every ‘creeping thing’. He had to do this with the assistance of only seven other people. Even if they didn’t eat, sleep, piss or shit, this would have taken a VERY long time (I ignore the 120 years bible literalists give as it is a completely willful assumption which has no actual biblical support). This begs the question; How many innocents were born in that time and why weren’t they spared? How many dead babies were floating on the waters of God’s tantrum?

How is it neither Noah, his sons, nor their wives were at all concerned about worshiping and blindly obeying a god (really they were obeying Noah as he was the only one in direct communication) who was determined to kill all of their friends and family? Did they all really believe everyone they knew deserved to be murdered? Oh yes, that’s right, in their leisure time (what leisure time!) they were all preaching to the God doomed masses. I guess they really sucked at it as not a single person repented their sins and received an invitation on board. Even on day 39 of the rains they couldn’t bring anyone back to God? Wow?

 So, who stays behind to build the Ark while the others go in search of all the animals (and insects), the VAST majority of which the people of that time had no idea even existed. Let’s say half and half. No, wait! Even better, let’s assume God used his magical powers to influence every animal and insect to make its way to Noah and the Ark, leaving the men to focus on building the ship (ignore the fact that this completely disputes the bible). Even assuming that, however, one must ask how, exactly, did the various species that only exist in certain parts of the world (Koala Bear, Polar Bear, Panda Bear, etc.) manage to reach the Ark? Wait! I know, let’s assume that all the continents were still a single land mass just a few thousand years ago (more like 100 million, but who’s counting?).  Problem solved. Now, one must ask, how long would it take for a Sloth, native to Southern and Central America, to march its way to the Ark? And did we really need to include the Brown Recluse Spider and the Black Mamba? Really?

OK, so the Ark is completed just in time as all the animals and insects arrive and crowd on in. Except they won’t fit. This is understandable as the people who wrote the bible were only familiar with a very, very small percentage of the creatures that dwelled upon the earth so their measurements would have seemed more than adequate. But, of course, in reality they weren’t. The size of vessel that would be required to hold 2-7 of every living thing, including insects and fish, is too absurd to even contemplate. And that doesn’t even take into account all the food and fresh water that would be needed to sustain both man and beast for the 190 days they were on board the Ark (not to mention during the wait). Does this mean even more animals so the carnivores have some fresh meat? And what about after the flood? The whole of the earth would have been covered in rotting corpses and vegetation. There will be nothing edible for a very long time, even if Noah and his clan immediately started planting seeds upon making land. And, again, what about the carnivores? How many generations would have to pass before they could start preying on the offspring of the survivors of the flood? Of course, according to the bible, the slaughter started immediately, as, after the flood, of the few remaining animals left on earth, God tells Noah, “…every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you.” Gen. 9:3 How quickly would each species become extinct if such an occurrence had actually taken place? And what happened to kosher?

And what about all those who witnessed what Noah and his family were up to? No doubt everyone scoffed at Noah’s endeavor, especially when he and his family locked themselves inside the Ark with all the animals. But then it began to rain. And it rained and rained and rained and rained, and the waters began to rise. At what point did the others realize they wanted to be on the Ark as well? Day 20? Day 30? Day 39? How exactly did the Ark survive the panicked mob that assuredly came down upon it once everyone realized they were being murdered by God? Not a one managed to pry open the door impractically placed in its side? And is there a ship designer alive who believes that a vessel constructed at that time with a door in its side could possibly ever be sea worthy?

Oh, and let’s not even consider that the weight of the Ark, filled to capacity with animals, food and supplies, would result in a completely non-buoyant vessel. And think about it; it would have been impossible for Noah, his wife, his three sons and their three wives, (8 people total) to both crew the vessel and care for and feed and clean up after all the animals. And how did Noah keep the birds from eating all the insects? And what about the parasites they (and the other animals) carried? Do those count for the two of each living thing? Probably more like the seven.

Think of what the conditions must have been like on board the Ark for 190 days. How is it no viruses or diseases were spread? Realistically, how many of the animals would have died during the voyage? What about after? How many would have refused to mate with the one they were partnered up with? As any zoologist will tell you, a male and female of any species aren’t necessarily compatible as mates and even if they were, there is no guarantee that they could produce an offspring. And in case any believer suggests that at any point God interfered in order to guarantee his plan worked out (i.e. all animals mated and produced offspring, never attacked one another, no sickness on board), I ask why not just snap his almighty fingers and make all the offending humans fall dead? Why all the drama? Why not just snap his almighty fingers and poof there is the Ark and snap all the animals are on board? Did he want to sit and stew in his anger while Noah and his sons attempted to obey his command? If a believer is going to suggest that God used his infinite powers to take part in the great plan, then they must concede that there was no need to kill every living thing, God simply wanted to. There’s simply no denying that the God depicted in the story of Noah and the Ark is nothing but a petulant monster. Lucky for the believer, this story is shown (and proven many times over) to be a complete work of fiction.

This leaves us with one simple question: Knowing that the story of Noah and the Ark is nothing but a fairy tale, how can anyone continue to believe in the legitimacy of the Bible? Do we need to address the story of David and Goliath (and the Beanstalk?)? Or Jonah and the Whale? Do we? Really?

 

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